Trust.

Trust. How can something so easily lost be regained? This is something I struggle with EVERY day in my relationship with him. The less I get from him, the more I think he is talking to other women. I no longer have access to his phone, so I have no way of knowing, but I can’t stop the suspicion from creeping into my mind. He is very protective of his phone…he doesn’t store anyone’s name in his phone…just numbers. I think that’s odd, and the only reason I can think of to do that is so I don’t see a name if I catch a glimpse of his phone.

I want to be with a man who would never allow me to be suspicious. One who gives me everything I need, so there is no doubt that I am the only woman in his life. One who reassures me when I raise concerns…he gets defensive and angry which only makes me question everything even more.

When anxiety strikes

Since my kids were with their dad for spring break (he promised them NYC or London but took them to his brother’s house in Atlanta), I spent the week on the beach with another teacher. She and I are great friends and enjoyed a relaxing week. I felt so at peace and recharged. I arrived home late Friday night and struggled to fall asleep. I must’ve slept well, for I woke up early and ready to get everything accomplished. I cleaned out the car, took it to get washed, and headed home. Once I got home, I started to feel very anxious. My heart was beating faster, I had a hard time catching my breath, and I felt sick to my stomach. I started to focus on my breathing and started the positive self talk, but I felt the walls were closing in on me. I had to leave…Target is one of my happy places, so I decided to stroll around the store. On the drive to Target, I just kept trying to calm myself down and tried to focus on my breathing. It eventually subsided, but those feelings resurfaced a few more times on Saturday and even on Sunday. I’m even struggling a bit today. More than once I had the urge to crawl under my desk and stay there, but I resisted. 

I have had this awful “I am all alone” realization lately, and I don’t want to be all alone. I loved being married…being a part of a team. I don’t miss him, but I do miss being married. The thought of dating doesn’t appeal to me either…I don’t know how to resolve this. My main love language is physical touch, and that is certainly not happening. 

On top of that, I’m still dealing with my mother’s estate and business. I never dreamt I would be dealing with all of this at once, but that’s life, right? I miss my mom more every day. There are so many times I want to talk to her…hear her voice…get advice, but I can’t do any of that anymore. I feel like it’s hard to grieve when I’m in charge of so many aspects of the estate. Maybe once we sell the house I can breathe again.

The Single Parent Struggle

Being a single parent is something I never wanted. It is so incredibly difficult to deal with all of the trials and tribulations of raising teenagers all alone. Sometimes I just really miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. I know I made the bulk of the decisions for my kids even before he walked out on us, but sometimes just talking it out made the right answer very clear. Today, my daughter went to her therapist, and I informed the therapist she didn’t want to come anymore. I know I need to make her continue to go, but I’m not very good at that especially since I’m the only consistent adult in her life. I’m the one she trusts, relies on, and looks to for affirmation. I feel mean making her go against her will, but she is depressed and very anxious, and I know she doesn’t have the tools to deal with it on her own.

How is this my real life?!?

These Waves of Emotions are Hitting Me

I’ve cried a lot today – in private. I feel so alone right now. The thoughts that go through my head are random and devastating. It’s so hard not to have anyone to turn to. Oh I know my friends are here for me, but how much of this do they want to know? How tired are they of hearing my sorrowful tales? I hate being a drag… for so much of my life, I was such an optimistic, glass half full type of person, and now I’m finding it hard to see the positive. I feel like I’m drowning. I’m just waiting for a life preserver…

I survived…

Thanksgiving was my first major holiday without my kids…and my mom. I decided to spend the day alone despite many offers from good friends. I gave myself the day to have a pity party. As it turned out, I read, slept, decorated for Christmas, and cried quite a lot.

Today is a new day, and I have decided to focus on making Christmas the best yet. I want my kids to feel surrounded by love and not sad about those no longer sitting around the tree with us. I am truly blessed and need to get my positivity back. I miss that part of my life. I can control my attitude and what I focus on. From now on…it’s positivity!

What’s a Mom To Do?

Tonight at 11:00 my son FaceTimed me in hysterics saying his dad was soooo mad at him, and he wanted to come back to me. He was in the car getting ready to leave E’s girlfriend’s house. E got in the car insisting my son was fine, he even asked him…but my son said he wanted to come home. Then we lost the wifi connection. My ex called and insisted everything was fine, but I wanted to make sure. I drove to his apartment to wait for him to get back, but we talked the entire time. Finally, I spoke with my son who said he was okay and would see me tomorrow. I came home, but my ex continued to berate and belittle me until, after he said AGAIN that he hates me, I just hung up. I refuse to speak with him on the phone…it never ends well.

My main concern at this point is what to do when my children reach out to me and say they want to come home. I want to feel they have a parent who will be there for them no matter what. This weekend both children asked to come home. It just breaks my heart.

Uncomfortable

My kids are with their dad this weekend, and my daughter never wants to go. She finds friends to stay with almost every time. This long weekend is no different…she spent the night with a friend last night and will tomorrow night, too. Well, this morning, I got a this text from her:

I don’t like being at dads

When I asked why, she said she felt uncomfortable. Evidently, he wanted to take the kids to his girlfriend’s house. Keep in mind, they had an affair that started a year and a half before we divorced, and my daughter knows this. My daughter told him she wasn’t comfortable going to V’s house, and he got mad. About an hour later, my daughter texts and says that E left with our son, and she didn’t know when he was coming back or where he went. How on earth and I supposed to respond to that? I kept my cool with her and encouraged her to text or call her dad. Two and a half hours after he left, my daughter texts me to say she’s hungry and there’s nothing to eat. I suggested she call her dad and ask when he will be back. Another hour passes, and she texts to ask if I’ll give her a ride to her friend’s house. She said her dad said it was okay, so I did. It felt like I was breaking her out of jail. I asked to see the texts she exchanged with her dad to see if he really said it was okay, and I couldn’t believe what he was laying on her! He basically said he wanted to spend time with her and she was making that difficult. How about he plans on spending time with his daughter WITHOUT his girlfriend and her kids?!? I’m beyond blown away. I promised my daughter I wouldn’t say anything to him until after they’re home from the weekend with him, but I am livid.

Will this ever get easier?!?

I Couldn’t Make This Up!

The past couple of weeks have included a series of “are you shitting me!” moments.

August 6-should have been our 20th anniversary. It was not my favorite day, but I’m thankful for good friends who kept me company.

August 13-first day of school, and I check my bank account and see over $5,000 missing from my savings account. A call to the bank is enlightening to say the least. The IRS levied my savings account. As it turns out, E didn’t pay our taxes from 2008-2010! Who does that? He always said they were taken care of…yet another lie. When I called to tell him and try to get answers, he ended up yelling at ME! Truly unbelievable! I received notice from the bank the next day and scanned the information to him so he could “take care of it” by the end of the week. Guess what…it’s still not in my account. On Friday, August 22, he said he went to the IRS and paid the bill and that my money would be restored. Still nothing.

August 22-E was supposed to pick our daughter up from school and take her to physical therapy. Not only was he late, but he was so late the appointment had to be cancelled. What pisses me off the most is he berated ME when our daughter was in the car. This was after he yelled at her and acted so crazy that she later asked me if he is on drugs.

I’m not sure how much more bullshit I can take.

Guilt

It is a mother’s instinct to protect her children. I take this very seriously. My children mean everything to me, and I so wanted a different life for them. While I honestly don’t know what I could’ve done to save my marriage, I feel overwhelming guilt that my children have to grow up with divorced parents. It seriously kills me. My daughter has had to grow up much faster than I’d have liked.

Recently, the mother of my daughter’s friend mentioned she’d run into my daughter when she was with her dad and his girlfriend. She said she looked at my daughter and said, “Seriously?” My daughter said, “I know. And she was at my house when my mom and dad were still married.” Ugh! I am so sad she has to know that/go through this. I feel like I failed her.

Guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel it, but I do. I was supposed to protect them from immoral people, but how can I when their dad is such a person?

August 6…

Wow! I knew this would be a difficult week, but I am really struggling. Tomorrow, August 6, would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. It was something I had looked forward to for some time, and now it’s not to be. I find myself crying whenever I’m alone, but I’m able to keep it together in front of everyone else. I have plans with my girlfriends tomorrow night, and I am truly looking forward to it. Hopefully I won’t cry while we are out…it doesn’t take much to set me off lately.

My dad is coming tomorrow because he thought “it might be a rough day for me.” I am so thankful for his love and support…I really need a hug. This is certainly not how I imagined spending my 20th anniversary, but it is what it is.